Breaking Question of the Day~10/08/2013

The man she claims to the world to be the man of her dreams turns out to be the man that hurts her serially for no reason…each time she or he visit, she ends up with sorrowful tears because of the way he treats and talks to her…he always ends up saying he is was joking and yet he won’t stop…now she has given up all her rights in the relationship allowing him to control her every being out of fear of him…BREAKING QUESTIONS OF THE DAY…what should she do…where is the joy of a relationship that always ends up in sorrowful tears…why is she not able to walk away than giving up her rights in the relationship???


http://www.articlesbase.com/relationships-articles/signs-of-a-controlling-relationship-the-early-warning-signs-624030.html

SHE instead of HE: (abusive behaviours are the same)
http://www.heart-2-heart.ca/men/men-relationship-warning-signs.php

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.catalogs.com/info/bestof/top-10-signs-of-a-controlling-boyfriend

http://www.wikihow.com/Recognize-a-Manipulative-or-Controlling-Relationship

BREAKING QUESTION OF THE DAY~04/07/2013

My friend has been dating this guy for sometime…since they started, I made it known to her I don’t like him for reasons I could not point out myself…but I was proved right a couple of months later…each time there is a misunderstanding, he beats her silly…if he sees her talking to a guy, she is in trouble…he says he is trying to protect her and so, she is now a shadow of herself…the last one was when he went to her house and met her with her cousin…right there and then, he started beating her and calling her name to the point her cousin could not take it anymore and he had to interfere…now, she is going back to beg him like she use to…BREAKING QUESTIONS OF THE DAY…Is this love…does beating a lady you claim you love at the the slightest provocation and assumption connotes love and protection???


This is not the first time we’ve discussed this question so if you go back through you will see many responses to similar ones from me but this one brought up some emotion and thoughts that I needed to share….

LOVE does not come from fists and aggression.

This is NOT how a man shows you affection,concern, protection or anything else.

NOBODY else can rescue you. NOBODY else can save you.

Not from HIM and not from YOURSELF.

YOU. MUST. CHOOSE.

You must choose to live.

You MUST choose to respect yourself enough that you won’t stand for his treatment of you.

You MUST choose to leave the situation and be your own rescuer NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU LOVE HIM, NO MATTER HOW AFRAID OF BEING ALONE YOU ARE.

You MUST choose LOVE.

You have to learn to see yourself RIGHT.

You have to KNOW that you are worth more than to be some idiot guy’s scapegoat and punching bag.

It isn’t LOVE. It is FEAR and CONTROL.

He squashes you down so you won’t see and know that you deserve MORE and BETTER.

This isn’t about HIM.

This is about YOU.

Who is she deep inside you that believes LOVE is a punch in the face?

Who is she that accepts a telephone cord wrapped around her neck?

Who is she that BELIEVES it was something she did or said that set him off and it’s her own FAULT for the abuse?

Who is she that BELIEVES this treatment IS an indication of how much he loves you?

It is NOT a fault. It is NOT to blame but you need to see that you ALLOW this to continue.

WHY?

Stay or go…LIVE or DIE…which of these choices is REALLY so scary?

BE brave. BE strong. Choose to LOVE yourself and find a better path.

This one will lead NOWHERE good.

Who is she that LOSES herself just to keep a man happy?

Who is she that is willing to kneel at his feet and grovel and beg…for what…for a life of fear and loathing? To walk on eggshells every day in fear of the next wrong word or action that leads to more abuse?

WHAT holds her there?

I was AFRAID. I BELIEVED the things he said.

It was FALSE.

I don’t CARE what anyone else thinks of me (and I admit that took a long time) but, I am MANY wonderful things and NOTHING anyone else says or thinks about me makes that untrue.

I deserve to be treated with respect, dignity and love.

SO. DO. YOU.

No matter what anyone else has ever said in the negative or in the wrong.

God did NOT create you to be the butt of a joke, to be a punching bag, or to be a floor mat. HE created you with grace and beauty, intelligence, gifts and abilities so you can SHINE and be a living, breathing example of LOVE, JOY, and BEAUTY….in all the ways that is possible.

The problem is inside of YOU.

YOU have to wake up and see this.

It doesn’t matter what ANYONE else says whether it is positive or negative…they cannot force you to choose. They cannot choose for you. They cannot LIVE for you.

YOU. MUST. CHOOSE.

I know that it is hard sometimes to climb out of the hole you have dug yourself into. It is hard to push away and ignore all the mean, negative, hurtful things that you believe about yourself because of others opinions.

YOU are the one who matters.

YOU do NOT need a man to complete you.

You DEFINITELY do NOT need one who disregards and disrespects you.

YOU have to respect yourself.

You have to STAND UP and say NO. EVEN to the risk of your own life…what is a life without self-respect and love?

I can’t find the right words. I can’t find the right words. 😦

I KNOW how hard it is to do this. I know how hard it is to face being alone and walk away from a bad situation.

I know how terrifying it is to believe that you are always going to be alone and that everything he’s told you is really true.

It’s NOT.

YES. Each and every one of us has flaws and imperfections and we are our own worst critics who never forgive ourselves for whatever they are but, it is such BULLSHIT!

EVERY human being on this planet deserves to be loved, appreciated, respected, treated with dignity and even more be cherished, adored and revered…but these things have to come FIRST from inside YOU and you have to learn that YOU. ARE. WORTHY. of them.

There is NOTHING in life that cannot be forgiven or overcome.

There are ALWAYS going to be people who judge you but if you can learn to accept and love yourself throughout all the mistakes and lessons you go through it won’t matter!

There is a quote I see sometimes:

“I wish I could show you when you are lonely or in darkness the astonishing light of your own being.” ~Hafiz

Whenever I read it I shiver.

I cannot see my own light.

You cannot see yours.

But, we CAN…KNOW that it IS, that we ARE, that it is REAL and we can choose to let it SHINE.

OTHER people can see it.

YES. There will always be others who judge you and belittle you and try to manipulate, control and guilt you throughout life…but, there are also those who spend every moment they are part of your life trying to help you see and understand “the astonishing light of your own being”.

LET them.

OPEN your eyes to yourself.

OPEN your eyes to the TRUTH.

It is the only thing that ever matters in this life.

I honestly and truly say this with LOVE.

I don’t know you…but I KNOW you.

I HOPE that you HEAR me…but even more I HOPE that you can FEEL all the love and emotion I have inside me and it makes you THINK.

Choose love, choose life, CHOOSE, YOU!

xo

 

BREAKING QUESTION OF THE DAY~11/26/2012

After his secondary school, he is ready to go to the university but the problem is, he wants admission into where some of his friends are but his father told him he will prefer him to go to a better university…he feel he has the right to choose for himself…BREAKING QUESTIONS OF THE DAY…Who should be in a better position to choose a college or university….the child or the parents and why???


This question makes me think of my father and my answer is based on my life experience with him. My father had his own ideas and we were constantly at battle because of them.

I wanted to take auto mechanics and learn about cars and he wouldn’t let me because he wanted me taking all advanced level courses so my grade average would be awesome and I’d get into a good school.

Boy, dad did your plans ever backfire!

You see, there was advanced level, general level and basic level in our school. Now it is called something else and there is an extra option. My father wouldn’t let me take any general level courses. Not even science, which I SUCKED at!! He AND the teacher both believed I could handle it and he wouldn’t settle for less.

He never told me I couldn’t do something because I was a girl. He always said, “You have a brain. Use it!” For that, I am grateful because it was empowering.

Unfortunately, my idea and his idea of life didn’t always match.

He was excited and proud at the prospect of me going to college or university and making something of myself but, I wasn’t HIM.

I wasn’t business minded. I was, am and will always be creative and artistic.

When I was a child he made the teacher give me extra math books and you know, that did pay off because later I always did VERY well in math and my grades were excellent….but, I HATED it! Unless of course it was formulas. For some reason that was interesting to me. However, my dad was sometimes guilty of trying to fit me into a mold he wanted. What I have learned, and I dare to say he learned also is that….it doesn’t work. Sooner or later a person STILL has to be who they are. Regardless of how their parents feel about it.

I had my first year tuition and room paid to go to college and I found an extra thousand dollars deposited in my account. A gift from him to help me with my first year of school. I didn’t go so I had to give it back but, I can’t even begin to explain the surprise and the feeling I felt about it.

I understood that he was proud of me. Even if I wasn’t going to school for anything he understood or would have chosen. (I applied to an art school and was accepted into an art program at a school that hires animators to work for Disney.)

I know that he was disappointed in my choice not to go and even more frustrating to choose having a baby with the bane of his existence…an idiot who controlled and abused his daughter. Soooooo sorry dad. 😦

For those choices and then ending up a divorced, single mother of two babies he never even hated me. He just forgave me, believed in me and trusted me to figure it out.

But, I also know that he struggled with his own issues in life.

All I can say now is that I learned a father’s love from MY father and he wasn’t a perfect one by any stretch. He was MINE though and I miss him every day.

It took us a long time but a couple of years before he died he told me some things that speak volumes to me. He understood and accepted that I am ME…I am NOT him.

I had written a letter to a friend once and he’d found it and read it. He apologized for reading it because it was my own personal, private business but I’m not sorry that he did because I believe it was a beginning of understanding for him. I don’t know how he didn’t know or couldn’t see or understand how emotional and deep I really am but the letter woke him up.

He said that he was amazed at how I write and express myself. (Having read things written by my children and knowing that the older ones already write better than I do I can TOTALLY relate to the awe inspired by it!) Not long after that we had another conversation and he expressed an understanding of me. It wasn’t about business and education and “right” paths. It was about knowing who you are and what you are and want and FOLLOWING that path with all your heart and soul.

He said…if you’re an artist and you want to draw…then DO that. If you’re a writer and want to write…DO that! DO whatever it is that makes you happy and YOURSELF…just do it to the best of your ability!! (Thank you dad!)

So my answer to this question is…parents have a duty and responsibility to share what they know and believe and yes, even to expect MORE of their children but in the end…it is the CHILD (read individual person) who should decide what is or is not the right choice for them.

Following someone else’s (parents) path only causes MORE confusion and discomfort because it very rarely is already the path of your own soul. YOU have to learn to listen to YOU.

This applies to EVERYTHING.

I admit…I would NOT be me without HIM. My mother loved to label me and she’d always say, “You are your father’s daughter. You’re just like him.” I KNOW I am! (I’m also quite like her 😉 even if she doesn’t want to see that part!) LOL I would like to believe that I am the best parts. Of both of them.

I would listen to his point of view and respect it and sometimes even believe it and follow through with it as the backbone of my life choices. However, because I am ME and I have to follow my own heart and path I would quite often choose something completely different or completely opposite. In the end I don’t think he really cared! He just wanted me to be happy.

I have NOT been the parent my father was to me and I have not pushed or annoyed or pestered my children to do or be anything but what they want…and believe me they change their minds a LOT!

YES, I would absolutely be proud of them for going to college and making a life and career if that’s what they want and YES, I know that an education is important and sometimes necessary to get ahead in this world but honestly, I don’t believe it is everything. Sometimes in fact, I think school education is useless. LIFE education matters more.

That’s just my own humble opinion but, I BELIEVE with my whole heart and soul that NOT graduating from high school, college or university doesn’t mean diddly squat to whether or not you have a brain or are capable of anything. YOU can do what you want to do. BELIEVE it and follow through.

If you need to be educated then get educated. If you are living and breathing then you have a choice. All you have to do is decide what you want and go get it! Whatever it is, whatever it takes.

I did NOT go to college and so what? I’m smart enough to hold my own in a conversation with people who did. Does it make them better than me? I don’t think so. Just different. Different rules, different choices, different priorities.

ALL of that is ok. We really aren’t in competition with each other. We just want to be a better person than we were yesterday. If being educated is part of that for YOU then go ahead…get educated. Just remember there are MANY, MANY ways to do that!

As for whether or not to go to school where your friends are and are you going to “play” more than work? ABSOLUTELY! College isn’t as much about education as it is about learning limits, consequences, independence and responsibility. All VERY important life lessons.

Let him go to school with his friends. Sometimes they make all the difference in the world!

In the end he’ll still be the one responsible for his own choices and the consequences of them.

Most of all things I am grateful for my father loving and accepting me as I am. He really was the wind beneath my wings. Even if I never ended up where either one of us thought I might go. I am STRONG (and that is his legacy) and I will fight to the end to be who I want to be. I can’t answer for him now but I know I’m proud of that!

Let him BE.

Hope it works out for the best. xo

 

 

Breaking Question of the Day~07/30/2012

He kicked his wife and their four daughters out of the house because of her inability to bear him a male child and brought in a woman who has a male child for him…two years later, another man came and claimed the boy is his son…after taking a paternal test, the result showed the man was telling the truth…but she already had a daughter for him…he kicked the woman and her son out and is now pleading that his first wife and daughters who has been living with her parent come back home…BREAKING QUESTIONS OF THE DAY…Will you advice that she goes back to him…what will you do if you were her???


A couple of interesting articles:

Who determines the sex of the baby.

What determines the gender of a baby.

Basically, mom contributes an x(girl) chromosome and dad contributes an x(girl) OR y(boy). The y(boy) swimmers are weak and don’t survive long and the x(girl) swimmers are strong and survive longer. SO…it really can be dad who determines whether he has daughters or sons. There ARE things that can be done to try to manipulate the end result but generally there are MANY contributing factors that come from BOTH mom and dad and it all amounts to the treasures and gifts and opportunities God saw fit to deliver specifically to YOU. (That is how I see it.)

I think…rather, I BELIEVE that a father who is blessed with daughters and MANY of them is a man who has been given an opportunity to raise STRONG, INTELLIGENT, CAPABLE, and INDEPENDENT daughters WITHOUT all the inferiority complexes of being “less than” their brothers. A man who embraces the challenge and does NOT cause his girls to feel inferior because of their gender can give the entire world a precious GIFT!

I think of my father a lot. He was NOT a perfect father. Which of them ever are?

He and I had a difficult relationship sometimes. We fought a lot. I think mainly because I was so much like him. My mother loves to label me and say I am JUST like my father but the truth is more that I am an equal combination of both of them and many of their good qualities but also some I wish not to have!

He asked me once if I thought he was a good father. By then I knew enough to know that he wasn’t perfect but he was MINE and everything he had done, said and chosen was because he LOVED me. ADORED me really. So I told him I was happy with him and had no complaints.

When I take the time to understand it on the deeper levels and hidden aspects I can see that I was his one and only child. His one and only daughter. (My brother was adopted and YES, absolutely loved and cherished too….but, not of his flesh and blood.) I can see that he may have wanted a son but it wasn’t the gift God chose to give him so he chose to embrace the one he was given. He didn’t always understand me and yet…he always got me. Better than any other person on the planet, even my mother. Sometimes I couldn’t figure out why but, somewhere along the journey I learned to understand that for a dad…the sun rises and sets on his daughter. NO MATTER what she does…good, bad, indifferent and he got me because we WERE very alike but also just because he chose to understand.

There were pivotal points in our relationship when I knew, KNEW that he just loved and accepted ME for ME. It wasn’t always like that. He had his own ideas of how things should be, of how I should be and he tried hard at first to get me to fit in that mold but I didn’t and couldn’t. I could only be ME. So along our journey I think we both learned things and THAT is the POINT!

He was business minded and mathematical. Sometimes controlling, maybe exacting because he expected things to be done properly and RIGHT. He never apologized. He was always right. Even when he was wrong. (I’m pretty sure now that all that came from grandpa-his father.) He wanted me to do something with math or business but, I MUST say that he NEVER said I couldn’t do something because I was a girl. His only prerequisite was that I chose by using the brain God gave me and that I made sure I didn’t settle for less than I could push myself to handle. For example, I sucked at science but he’d not accept me taking less than the highest level of education because he knew I was smart and could apply myself and could handle it. Also I wanted to take auto mechanics to learn about cars but he didn’t want me to have a lower level credit on my grades because I was supposed to get into a good college so I had to commit to taking a different tech course instead, which came with advanced credits and I learned to work in the metal shop.  (Boys seriously freak out when there is a capable, intelligent girl in the room! lol but they also wanna steal your theory homework-cause they don’t DO written homework!) Anyway, I did learn things from these choices but my father along the way also learned about ME.

I am CREATIVE. I am EMOTIONAL. I write. I write poetry. I write emotion driven letters that express things he could never say. Sometimes parents SNOOP and he read one or two of some I’d written and then began to understand the depths of me.

Wanting to be a lawyer or a journalist he could understand.

Wanting to be an artist or an animator or a writer maybe not so much.

By the end, I remember that he made it very clear. I don’t care what you do as long as it makes you happy. IF you want to WRITE, then DO that. IF you want to DRAW, then DO that. Just do it to the very best of your ability and don’t waste the brain you’ve been given.

Sometimes I think I’ve probably seriously disappointed him but then again I realize…he’d forgive me and love me anyway. He already showed me that, time and time again.

HONESTLY,there is NOTHING better in this world than a father who understands WHO his daughter is and gives her permission to lift her wings and fly even if it isn’t something he wanted for her or understands himself.

Sometimes his job IS to be the wind beneath her wings so that she CAN fly.

He was THAT kind of dad and because he was I can accept and forget any of the flaws he had too.

SO…father’s who DON’T cherish,appreciate and embrace their children in all their beauties and imperfections and REGARDLESS of their gender seriously make me wanna smack them HARD.

My ex was one of those. His children were trophies or “show pieces” that proved he was a MAN.

 

I’m very sorry but being a sperm donor doesn’t make you a MAN.

Nor does throwing your children out because they are girls instead of boys.

SO to answer the question, if he was so ungrateful for the children (READ gifts, MIRACLES, TREASURES) that God saw fit to give him for whatever reason or life lesson he was meant to learn from it and he chose to walk away from it then he should suffer the consequences of his choice.

An ex is an ex for a REASON. Whether he left you or you left him is irrelevant. Life moves FORWARD, not backwards so I would NEVER advise anyone to return to a place that has created mental, emotional, verbal or physical hurts of any kind.

PERHAPS, he can EARN some kind of relationship with his children but I would suggest that he has to WORK hard for it and it should be up to THEM to decide because they are the ones who can decide how they feel about it.

I would NOT take him back but here is the thing. It is only YOUR choice to make.

Nobody else on this earth can answer for you whether you have enough love in your heart to forgive and try again or whether it has died its last death and there is NO possibility of rebuilding anything.

Whether we say yeah or nay it still falls to YOU to know or understand your own heart and feelings and what you can or cannot do in response.

I say NAY because I have a hard time trusting, re-trusting and forgiving and forgetting. I hold hurt inside me, close and deep and I have a hard time letting go of it.

It’s perhaps one of my flaws and really not a good thing…but that’s just me…at least I am aware of it. Maybe someday I will be better at that.

I would like to believe that LOVE is the answer and can solve EVERYTHING…but what I know from experience is that ONE person cannot love enough for two. It MUST be reciprocated. What he did showed a serious lack of love and attachment and a great deal of selfishness.

You can try again but probably it will just be a cycle that repeats again and again. That is what happens when people don’t become aware of and/or address the flaws and imperfections within themselves and their reasons. You cannot change what you don’t acknowledge.

Maybe he IS really sorry. Maybe he really wasn’t aware of how selfish and unfair he was being.

Maybe it is worth another chance.

ONLY YOU CAN ANSWER THAT.

NOT for him or for the children or for family or friends or society at large.

ONLY for YOU.

I hope you find the right answer for yourself. Answers never really are as simple as we would like and yet sometimes they also can be just that. SIMPLE. Yes or no.

All I know is the right answer should bring you peace inside yourself and THAT is what I wish for you. Hope it works out for the best. xo

 

Breaking Question of the Day~05/25/2012

If she calls and he is not picking on time, she thinks he is with another woman…when he doesn’t come home on time, she thinks he has left her, when she serves him and he didn’t finish his food, she complains he has eaten somewhere else…as much as he assures her he loves her, she keeps doubting him…they said it is insecurity…BREAKING QUESTIONS OF THE DAY…What is the consequencies of what she is doing…how can she deal with it???


Ok.

I believe there are three reasons why this happens:

#1. She SENSES with a feeling deep inside herself that something is NOT right and he is guilty of whatever she is accusing him of because to some extent there is a truth in it.

IF this scenario is TRUTH there is nothing you will be able to do to change it unless she refuses to believe her own voice and instincts in which case you can just continue to lie, lie, lie and deny, deny, deny until one or the other of you get sick of the bullshit. EVENTUALLY truth will surface and whatever it is will be dealt with.

#2. She has previously been in a relationship where these accusations lead to TRUTH because he was cheating on her.

IF this scenario is the one that is TRUE then I have something to say which I hope will be helpful and the experience to back it. It IS insecurity. It comes from giving your trust to someone and having it broken. The NEXT relationship to come after that is HARD because it requires the person you are with to have PATIENCE you wouldn’t believe and unless you really love her a great deal may threaten to break even the strongest man. BE PATIENT anyway. TRY HARD. She will find the other side eventually. However, you must also help her to see and remind her frequently that her behaviour is HURTFUL to you as well. I’m sure she doesn’t wish to hurt you, she’s just SO afraid of what happened before happening again it is difficult to give you ALL of her trust. Being broken is no small thing. Having the courage to pick yourself up and continue through life is no small thing. Being willing to open the door and your heart to the risk of it ever happening again is no small thing. If she’s gotten that far then you should applaud her because at least she is willing to try! YOU have to be patient and understand that this is DIFFICULT and that deep inside her is a fragile piece of her self that she NOW knows she must protect and keep safe with everything she has left in her. BEFORE…she didn’t know how big a risk it was because she had no idea how it felt to break. NOW she knows what is at stake and how difficult it is to piece yourself back together after being broken. She IS trying to trust you with all her broken pieces and believe that you will be gentle with them and be careful and keep them and her safe always but every time a scenario happens where you have an opportunity to break her again she HOLDS tight instead of letting go and TRUSTING you to be who you said you were and do what you said you’d do. EVERY time it is like standing on a precipice hoping you will catch her, yet fearing that you’ll drop her and let her shatter again. It is SO HARD. I KNOW! I have been there and done that and I understand it well. Insecurity is a demon that lives deep inside us. There are MANY reasons throughout an entire lifetime WHY it got there in the first place and there are MANY ways in which we allow it to grow and expand and deepen its hold because we FEED it. We don’t SEE it for what it is. We don’t UNDERSTAND. Your job if you LOVE her truly is to help her see that it IS a demon and by FEEDING it she will allow it to grow so big it will destroy you both and everything you hold dear about your relationship together. It IS a very difficult job. HELP her build her self esteem strong enough that she knows and feels and believes in every fibre that not only does she deserve your love and attention but also that she can depend on it and TRUST it. ALWAYS. Do that by being consistent. TRY to call on time MOST of the time so that the few times when you don’t she will have learned that there IS a reason and it is NOT automatically the WORST one. TRY to be home on time and maybe if you will be late call or text and say “I’m gonna be late but I wanted you to know so you wouldn’t worry.” ALSO be consistent by NOT catering to the times when she IS being ridiculous. For example, NOT EATING? Hmmmm…perhaps a moment when you say. “Stop being ridiculous, I’m just NOT hungry!!” Soften it by telling her it’s delicious or awesome or whatever and suggest you’ll warm it up and eat it later. Sooner or later she will stop being silly about it.  You CANNOT give in to every fit and whim because that is FEEDING the demon. YOU must put your own foot down sometimes too until she learns that EACH OF YOU have a voice and some control of this relationship. EQUALLY. I’m SURE that she doesn’t want to keep you in a cage, locked up tight. I’m sure that she wants to be able to TRUST you and allow you the normal freedoms and considerations that any of us truly deserve. I’m sure that she doesn’t even SEE at all that not only is she locking you down but she’s doing it to herself as well. This is DRAINING. It takes so much of your time, attention and energy that could be put to so much better uses. It isn’t healthy. It causes so much damage and hurt and if it continues will DESTROY everything.

Lady, take a deep breath. Take a step back and see your TRUTH. Whether it is this scenario or one of the other two only YOU can control or change YOU. IF it is that you fear being broken and think that you can never endure it again then you have to know that isn’t true. You are HERE. You are living, breathing and trying to be loving with this man who is trying to love YOU. Shake it all down to the bottom and KNOW what is what. LET GO. Open your heart, give him a chance to prove to you that love and trust and relationships are POSSIBLE and more than that! Place your heart in his hands and trust him not to break it. BELIEVE he will be gentle and true and keep it safe as he should. LET GO. Shake the fear of being broken loose. We NEVER want to feel hurt and pain but it’s just part of life. All it does is show you who CAN be trusted. YOU know that it’s YOU don’t you? Whether he stays or goes or another one does or a hundred of them…in the end YOU are the one who picks up the pieces of YOU and rebuilds yourself, recreates yourself, renews yourself. YOU! You are all you really need. You are strong enough and worthy enough to love yourself, to believe in yourself, to build yourself! That he also believes it is a BONUS and you should cherish it as such. We ALL need other people but we can’t build healthy, strong relationships without knowing and loving ourselves FIRST. We need others for hundreds of different reasons but mostly to remind us that we DO have value and ARE wanted and lovable and that we are connected. MAYBE, he sees in you what you can’t see yourself. The POINT now is to SEE.

LOVE yourself.  Then you will SEE that accusations and fear are breaking you both down.

LET GO. BELIEVE in him and if you can’t then just believe in YOU.

There IS a reason why you chose him…isn’t there? TRUST it!

Jealousy and insecurity and demands and accusations will NOT keep him close and you cannot hold him tighter and expect it to end well.

You MUST let go and risk your heart and open it to love and trust and joy.

If you CAN’T then the thing you fear most will happen and he will LEAVE.

YOU will still be left with YOU in the end. Isn’t it better to choose love, life and freedom than keeping him and yourself in a cage?

I’m QUITE sure you BOTH deserve better than to live life inside a cage!!

AND…

#3. She herself is guilty of some behaviours that are less than appropriate and she accuses to throw the scent off herself.

Are you guilty of transgressions of your own? Then own the TRUTH and let the poor man off the hook! The truth will set you free!


I know NOT which of these scenarios are the real TRUTH.

Obviously I believe that scenario #2 is probably the closest to the truth and it is possible the insecurity came from other places and other reasons but the result is the same…

It IS a demon and if you keep FEEDING it then it will grow bigger and more and more bad ass till it destroys everything!

You had the courage to open the door to love…now walk through it!

BE OPEN…NOT CLOSED!

Don’t hold tight…LET GO!

BELIEVE! In him, in you…in BOTH OF YOU together!!

The only person that can correct this situation really is YOU by recognizing that you ARE trying to cage him  instead of taking a leap of faith and TRUSTING him not to fly away!

REMIND yourself that you are lovable and worthy so why would he want to leave you? TRUST.

What if you DO and he is actually EVERYTHING you always hoped he was?

Isn’t that WORTH the risk?

It’s ok to be a little bit jealous and a little bit insecure because we ALL are to some extent. We’re human and we’re not perfect but when your insecurities begin to make a relationship feel stressful and closed rather than open and trusting it is TIME to do something about it.

I would advise counselling. There is no shame in asking for help from experienced and knowledgeable people. Maybe they will help you see what you can’t by yourself.

Doing whatever you can to build a healthy and happy relationship should always be the end goal, don’t you think?

I truly wish you both well. xo

Breaking Question of the Day~04/21/2012

The past three years has been days of torments and nights of abuses…yet, they say she should be praying he will change he will insults and beats her up at the slightest provocation…yet they say she should endure…even her family said she should be patient that he would change…recently, he beats her to the point of comma and she was rushed to the hospital where she came back to life after two days and they are still telling her to keep praying he will change…BREAKING QUESTIONS OF THE DAY…Should she keep praying until he knocks her dead…is there no other way out…is it her fate to stay and die in a violent marriage???


This question makes me ANGRY and breaks my heart equally.

HE. WILL. NOT. CHANGE…EVER!

A grown man who would treat his wife like that came to this place with DEEP and BROKEN hurts inside him.

Instead of facing his demons and finding healing he chooses to share the misery and inflict as much or more pain as he feels.

No one can touch those deep places unless HE is aware and ready to be touched and changed.

That requires introspection, realization, acceptance, forgiveness and moving forward with different choices and better solutions to your problems.

Men that react with anger and their fists aren’t capable of choosing a different path.

It takes a LOT of time, effort, work, counselling, patience and strength to face your own faults and failings and then try to CHANGE yourself.

We very rarely make that much effort. ANYONE.

BECAUSE it is HARD work. Especially when it means you have to face all the things in your past that have made you who you are and brought you to this day.

You know, it took me a long time to understand and realize (with my ex) that it is about POWER and nothing else.

When he hits you he feels POWERFUL because he causes fear in you. He WANTS to see that face. The face of terror on you gets him off. It fills some need inside him.

DON’T even bother trying to understand it because you can’t.

It is NOT sensible. It is NOT rational. It is BASE and ANIMAL and instead of trying to rise above it and be humane and loving he EMBRACES it and WANTS more of it.

To him it is the BEST part of him.

It also took me a long time to figure out that when he hurt me during sex he LIKED it. He WANTED to hurt me. That also filled some need I don’t understand but basically comes down to POWER again.

This is NOT a MAN.

It is definitely NOT one you want to stay with.

It took me a long time after to want to believe in or trust a man again but you will. You have to LEARN to recognize the difference. You have to SEE a TRUE man. There are MANY of them in the world…the trick is always NOT to settle for someone who ISN’T the one just so you won’t have to be alone. WAIT for a good one.

YOU are everything you need to survive in this life.

YOU don’t NEED a man. Lord knows we ALL want them but the point of life is to find the place inside YOURSELF where you recognize and just KNOW that you are capable of doing whatever needs to be done to take care of yourself.

YOU CAN DO IT! YES! You CAN!

NOW comes the time when I will be harsh because I just can’t BELIEVE what I’m hearing…PRAY and he’ll change? Your parents are idiots! (I’m sorry for that because I feel mean for saying it but HELLO? The man has almost killed you once already…maybe even more than once…WHO tells their child to go back into HELL and pray so living there will be easier?)

THIS is the time. NOW is the time. WALK AWAY.

If your parents don’t want to help you or support you then walk away from them too.

SHOW everyone how strong and capable and beautiful you ARE!

YOU CAN DO IT!

It boils down to the answer to ONE question and only you can answer it. Maybe you will have to look deep inside…under the pain, under the frustration, underneath everything you are feeling but it is the only answer that matters.

DO YOU WANT TO LIVE?

There are many ways in life to be dead. Not just physically (which I am TELLING you…that is coming for you if you stay) but also emotionally and mentally and spiritually.

SURVIVING, ENDURING, GETTING BY…ok…but none of those are really LIVING.

Where is the joy in that? Where is the beauty and the accomplishment and knowing that YOU are valuable and important too?

You exist to be his punching bag. The whole world revolves around him.

Don’t do that. Don’t do this. Don’t say that. Don’t say this. Don’t talk to that person or this one. As a matter of fact don’t even LOOK at them (especially if they are other men). Don’t wear that. Make sure when we go out together you make ME look good. Make sure you say ONLY what you are supposed to say. AND hundreds of other controls just like that.

YOU don’t live for YOU, you live for HIM.

What for?

He beat you into a coma…does it sound like he deserves so much reverence and respect from you? HE has none. HE gives none. He DESERVES none.

WALK AWAY. As a matter of fact…RUN! As fast as the wind…and don’t EVER look back.

This is NOT love.

I’m sure that on good days he can be sweet and charming and SEEM to love you and care about you but truly he DOESN’T.

A MAN who loves you does NOT hit. Does NOT insult you. Does NOT curse you out. Even in the middle of a fight (which we all do) he has enough respect for YOU and HIMSELF not to say mean and nasty things you both will regret. MEN fight fair.

I KNOW because I am married to one. We’ve been together 16 years this summer and in all that time (even the worst fights) he’s NEVER called me a nasty name or cursed at me or EVER raised his hand to me. He would NOT. He has respect for both himself and me.

THAT is a MAN. A good one.

SOMEDAY I believe you will find one but FIRST you have to LOVE and RESPECT yourself and KNOW that this one you are married to is the very WRONG kind.

Get free of him. Choose to LIVE.

The other alternative will rob MANY people of your spirit and essence and beauty and talents and gifts…all of which GOD gave to you to share with others.

LIVE!

Previously my friend sent a link to this site and since it is relevant to the topic I’d like to share it: http://www.ogorip.com/my-story.html

I wish you well. xo

Breaking Question of the Day~2/29/2012

She was in a marriage that has all but lacking in happiness, understanding and progress…she is now divorced by mutual consent…she said her life is now better than ever as a single mum of two lovely children in her custody…she claims she is more focused and accomplished in all she does after the divorce…BREAKING QUESTION OF THE DAY…Is it right that a woman/man live alone??? Explain please


EVERYONE should live alone for a period of time in their life. It is very important for the heart, mind, and soul to do things that build your own self sufficiency, self esteem and sense and understanding of your own abilities and capabilities in life.

YES, it is better to share a life with someone but it is terribly sad to get married and move in with someone right out of high school and then proceed to build your life around them without even knowing who you are first.

You may get lucky and actually marry someone who loves you and is capable of flowing WITH all the changes that come and go and all the ebbs and flows of a marriage but more than likely you will “fall in love” and jump into a relationship and then a marriage that won’t be equal and one or the other of you will have to SACRIFICE, COMPROMISE and settle for less than you imagined you would have  or something far different than you imagined it could be.

For this reason I believe a person SHOULD live alone for a time and take their time choosing a partner so as to make the best possible choice in the first place.

HOWEVER, if a person finds themselves in a loveless marriage and divorce does seem to be the only way to correct the imbalance in their world then I suggest they follow their heart and choose their path.

IF you are a godly person it can be a VERY hard decision to make. You may agonize over it. You may guilt yourself (much more than any friends, family or even strangers can possibly guilt you). You may feel many emotions throughout and many of them not good at all. In the end you will decide one way or the other but YOU are the person who has to live with you so my suggestion is that you make a decision that YOUR heart feels good about. Make a decision that allows your spinning mind…to REST. Make a decision that fills your soul with PEACE. THIS is how you know that you have followed your OWN path and taken YOUR journey and not someone else’s. Someone else somewhere will always be willing to judge you and sometimes you will also judge yourself but I honestly believe that if you make a decision that leads you to feeling inner peace and contentment then it is most likely the right one. No matter what anyone else says.

If you made it through all that to get to the other side of  it and are now DIVORCED (God forbid) and feeling happier, more focused, clearer of mind and purpose and content in your heart and soul then I’m very sorry to say this but, you were with the WRONG person to begin with. You are feeling lightness of being and freedom because you were following a path that was EXPECTED of you or that society dictates is appropriate or “right” but it wasn’t filling YOUR needs and dreams and desires of life.

Nobody else can know that. We EACH have to choose based on our own belief systems and understanding of life and love and GOD and His rules. That is NOT between HIM and them and YOU. That is between HIM and YOU and your heart and soul is what tells you whether you are on the right path or NOT.

We always spend so much time listening to what everyone else suggests is the right way to go and the right way to be that we often lose ourselves in the process. Often this leads us to make decisions and follow paths that were never really right for us because we didn’t trust ourselves to know what we really needed after all. YOU know. We are each born knowing. For whatever reason we spend a life either building ourselves up strong enough to NEVER let others make our decisions for us OR always asking for someone else’s opinions, reasons, understandings, validations and we wonder why we always feel so lost and confused!!

How can we build a life with someone else. How can we offer love, adoration, affection, comfort, companionship or anything else when we don’t even know how to offer these things to ourselves FIRST? We MUST know ourselves well enough that we acknowledge and understand that we are fallible and imperfect but also wonderful and lovable and capable and blessed BEFORE we can give all of that to others.

The person you are with should be equally loving, respectful, supportive, encouraging, accepting, understanding, compassionate and bring out the best in you. If they don’t then you aren’t in the right place.

YOU have to be able to be all of those things to yourself FIRST in order to know how to give all of that to them as well but also to recognize when you are selling yourself short or settling for less.  The way to do this is to spend some time ALONE looking for YOURSELF. You will only become stronger and more capable by facing yourself and learning to take care of YOU first before you try to build a relationship with another person. Sadly people don’t usually take the time to do this…for many reasons…and it usually leads to a one-sided relationship whereby they GIVE everything to it and have no idea what their own needs are OR they TAKE everything they want out of it and have no idea how to put it all back in. When things change (as they usually do) everything falls apart because the couple realizes they were never really on the same page or path at all.

God created us in HIS image and we are beautiful. We are born knowing right from wrong. When you do something that isn’t right you feel it deep inside you and can’t feel good again until it’s been corrected. What do you think that means? EVERY single one of us is on a journey to learn how to LOVE. How to GIVE to ourselves and to others…NOT take! We are born knowing how to do this. Somewhere along the way we are TAUGHT a rule set and raised up to FOLLOW it at all costs. I think sometimes the cost is too high.

LOVE.

Period.

It’s easy.

Don’t judge others.

Follow your heart and soul.

How much simpler could it be?

Take the time to know yourself. Take the time to get right inside yourself FIRST before you marry and commit your whole life to someone you are NOT even sure is the right person for you based on the advice of society, friendships, family or anyone else.

Even then there is no guarantee that you will not marry, have a decade of wonderful and then come to some impasse for unknown reasons and then go separate ways.

Life is short and time is precious. Don’t waste it. Find yourself FIRST and follow your own heart. Everything else falls into place as it should. Everything happens for a reason and most of the bad experiences are meant to teach us something.

DIVORCE is ugly, hurtful and unfair, YES.

It is NOT the end of the world.

Being a single mother isn’t either.

I truly believe it is better to be divorced and love children unconditionally separately than stay together and teach your children that to live in misery for eternity is normal and right.

Is that really what you would want for them? Or wouldn’t you rather that they be happy? Granted some of us really have no idea what it is that makes us happy but that really is the point of living alone isn’t it?

Finding happy inside YOURSELF so that no matter what comes in life you will still be able to find it anyways!

Other people may come and go in life. Many times.

YOU are stuck with YOU…FOREVER. Doesn’t it make sense to take some time to find out who you ARE inside and what you believe in or don’t BEFORE you try to bring someone else into the picture who may or may not be just as aware of themselves or maybe even more so?

So the short answer is: YES absolutely men and women BOTH should spend some time living alone and finding out who they are before they spend a life with someone else.