i have a boyfriend i have been dating for sometime…he is loving and caring…the problem is he never wants to see me with a male friend…it is bad to the point that if he checks my phone and sees the name of a male friend, he is going to remove the sim in my phone destroys it and buys another one…sometimes he destroys as many as 3 or 4 in a month…the my father and brothers number are the only once on my phone…i have been labelled a snub even my female friends avoid me…recently, my uncle called me and after talking with him, he collected my phone, called and insulted him even when i told him it was my uncle…i am seriously beginning to loose interest in the relationship…after hearing what he said to my uncle, my entire family are no more in support of our relationship…BREAKING QUESTION OF THE DAY….Is this love or obsession…do i have a future with him???
Previously posted in my blog: I AM a QUEEN
I would like to talk about all the many ways in which a controlling or abusive partner may disrespect us.
I think that sometimes many women don’t even understand they are being disrespected.
How? Because it happens so gradually over so much time sometimes they don’t even notice it’s being done until it is too late to fix it or stand up to it.
IT IS NEVER TOO LATE!!
I would like to say having learned through some hard experience that a man who completely disrespects you as a woman or even as a human being is not a MAN, has no self-respect of his own and DOES NOT love you.
How can he love you if he loves himself so little that he can abuse you, down talk you, insult you, belittle you at every turn?
How can you call any of his controlling, jealous behaviours love?
In a normal healthy relationship sometimes there is a place for a little jealousy and each partner will accept it as par for the course because it is what reminds us that we are connected and committed to each other and why. It will refresh our need to know that we belong somewhere and to someone. If this jealousy then gets out of hand to the point where we are then “bossing” our partner to do this or that or don’t do this or that and trying to control their behaviour rather than just asking them to acknowledge our feelings and then accepting their choice then it is no longer healthy and is no longer respectful.
Then we are living in a relationship based on fear and insecurity.
By not learning to accept your partner’s right to choose for himself and allowing him to do so is saying that you DO NOT trust him and do NOT respect him and sadly therefore are NOT loving him. Also the same is true in reverse…IF he is not allowing you the right and responsibility of making your own choices he is not respecting you either.
I like to keep the peace. I will often let a lot of things go because this is true. In the grand scheme of things many of these things really are not that important to me so it IS my choice to accommodate, compromise, or sacrifice for the greater good…for peace.
A person like me can’t do well in a relationship with someone who would take a mile when you give them an inch because before long you have given up every basic freedom you never even knew you enjoyed. You will spend every waking moment walking on eggshells, living in fear, never knowing what thing you have done or said that was wrong this time.
Hoping today won’t be another day full of fights or arguements about NOTHING just because he’s decided you deserve to be punished for something he feels guilty about.
RECOGNIZE that you are worth more and you deserve better than to be told:
- What you can and cannot wear.
- What you can and cannot say.
- Who you can and cannot talk to-(because every other man you look at including his brothers and friends IS somebody you want to go GET WITH!)
- Where you can and cannot go.
- WHO your friends can or cannot BE.
- That YOU are NOW his property just because he married you.
- That you are stupid, fat, useless, inadequate, ugly and NO OTHER man would ever want you! (You are just LUCKY that I put up with you!!)
- EVERY nasty name you can think of and even some he makes up just to squash you like a bug!
- EVERY other horrible, nasty hurtful thing YOU KNOW he says and does just to keep you under his thumb….
BECAUSE he knows…
YOU can leave.
YOU can love.
YOU can LIVE!
YOU can laugh.
YOU can breath.
YOU can learn.
YOU can grow.
YOU can dance!
YOU can ALWAYS find someone better than HIM.
YOU can STAND up for yourself!
YOU can LOVE yourself!
YOU can BE STRONG!
YOU can CHOOSE!
YOU CAN find JOY again!
YOU can shine with your OWN light!!
That you ARE beautiful and intelligent and VERY capable of finding MANY other fish in the sea!
HE is NOT the only man that will ever want you!
YOU absolutely DESERVE better than the way he TREATS you!
YOU absolutely DESERVE the BEST!
BELIEVE IT!! I certainly do!!I know so many ways of disrespect because I lived through them.
I hope that sharing my opinion will help someone else find her own strength.
Symptoms or SIGNS of Control:
There are so many different ways that someone has to keep you manipulated and under their control but some of the following are listed because I KNOW from experience that these are ways:
- being jealous or possessive
- being bossy
- being violent towards you or having a quick temper
- pressuring you for sex and won’t take NO for an answer
- blames you for EVERYTHING
- has a history of bad relationships (there IS a reason for this!)
- your family is afraid of him OR… FOR you
- you constantly worry about saying or doing the wrong things
- he tells “jokes” that shame, embarrass or demean you
- he is abusive to your pets
- he keeps track of your time…EVERY second of it
- he accuses you of cheating (usually because HE is)
- he takes or destroys your personal property
- he criticizes you and belittles you constantly
- he controls all finances
- possibly he gives you an allowance but he expects every penny to be accounted for but never has to explain what he bought or WASTED the money on
- he has affairs
- he threatens you with force or weapons
- he pushes, hits, slaps, bites, and/or kicks you or your children
- he forces you to have sex or demands acts you are uncomfortable with
- HE is “Lord and Master” and makes sure you know this DAILY
- he expects you to be home waiting for him no matter where he is or what he is doing
- he tells you what to wear and if he doesn’t like it insults you or destroys your clothes
- he coaches you what to say to other people to put him in the best possible light regardless if it makes YOU look bad or not
- he isolates you from your family and friends-always finding enough faults with all of them that you agree to “break up” with all of them
- he calls you a hundred times a day to make sure you are where you are supposed to be and YES he controls who is and is not allowed to be in or attached to your phone
(the following are pages and articles found on the internet to help with your understanding of controlling, manipulative and abusive behaviours.)
In order to keep ourselves from getting stuck in these dangerous relationships we have to build our own self esteem and self respect UP.
Some ways to do this are as follows:
- Don’t allow others to knock you down but more importantly remember not to knock YOURSELF down either!
- Learn new things so that you yourself know that you are informed, educated, valuable and capable of handling new things.
- Never condemn yourself. We all make mistakes.
- Focus on building yourself up with every new thing you accomplish and learn in a wide variety of experiences.
- Expect as much respect as you yourself give.
- DON’T let other people force, manipulate or guilt you into doing things you don’ want to do just for their approval.
- BE a friend in order to have your own friends.
- Develop your own ideas, friendships, passions, interests and purpose in life.
- Realistically evaluate yourself and accept the parts of you that can’t be changed. Then work on changing the parts of you that CAN be improved.
- Forgive yourself for any perceived wrongs you have done whether real or imaginary, let them go and then move forward.
- Remember that YOU deserve just as much understanding and compassion from yourself as you are willing to give to everyone else.
- LOVE yourself.
- If YOU can’t figure out how to LOVE yourself as much as you expect other people to love you then you won’t have any idea at all just what it is you DO expect from them OR yourself.
- Set BOUNDARIES. Set RULES for your life and relationships. THIS is how you show yourself that you are worthy of love, respect, dignity and honour. By GIVING these things to yourself FIRST!
I found a website with self esteem building exercises that seem very good and useful for teaching ourselves ways to build our own confidence and self respect. Follow the link below if you’re interested in trying them for yourself: