Breaking Question of the Day~11/28/2011

He is 17 and she is 33….he is the son of a rich single father…infact, the only son and child…he went for a business trip and could not take his son like he used to because he was sitting for his exams…he was left with the 33 years old lady to babysit…she is rich too and lives in a seperate flat in the same compound…she is pregnant and the test showed the boy is the father…his dad will have none of it and calls for an abortion…the lady will have none of the abortion thing and wants to keep the baby…the boy is stressed and it is begining to affect his relationship with his dad…he, the boy understands the situation and wants her to keep the pregnancy…he is obviously in love with her which is the father’s nightmare….BREAKING QUESTION OF THE DAY…Can the relationship work…do you honestly think she should keep the pregnancy…what should the father do???


…apparently I should have blogged this one from the beginning!

WOW! I shake my head and I waffle back and forth between do I freak out and say something about how disturbing this case is OR do I stand on the side of LOVE and explain myself…the thing is there is more than one problem and so how to address all of them???? I’m going to start with the father and work my way around. (Please keep in mind these are all only MY opinions based on what I BELIEVE and MY own life experience) FATHER: First of all be grateful he is not a daughter and then you have a whole different ball game to play in! Second, the deed is done so NOW you have to figure out how to help him or stand back and watch it play out like any other parent found in the situation. He IS very young. Does he LOVE her really? Maybe, maybe not…that is NOT your call to make or for your heart to decide. Did she use him to get pregnant? Possibly. The thing is whether she decides to abort or keep, whether you decide to help or bail, whether they are in love or he was used doesn’t really matter because HE is the father of that baby and HE is responsible to and for him/her. Whether he walks away or does the “right” thing and steps up…HE will always KNOW in the deep places inside himself and he will always judge himself for whatever he does or doesn’t do. I SUGGEST you take a step back from your own anger and frustration and LISTEN to whatever he is telling you IS the right thing for him to do. JUDGEMENT probably isn’t going to be very helpful or useful to anyone right now. YES, he’s too young. YES, he has a whole life ahead of him. YES, this is NOT what was planned or expected but like any curve in the road you slow down, assess, adjust, and then continue. It’s really NOT the end of the world. I believe two things…EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON and NO BABY COMES INTO THIS WORLD THAT GOD DIDN’T INTEND TO BE HERE. Whether they stay is also up to HIM (meaning survive a full term of pregnancy and are healthy). Perhaps you can advise for abortion but are you the person who will be responsible for that LIFE? Will you be the one held responsible in God’s eyes? I would say NO. That would be his/her MOTHER. Tho I suspect He’d be equally angry with the Dr. that performs such an abomination. 😦 Hey dad, I know he’s your only son and you want everything good and proper and best for him in this world but the thing is this…HIS journey is just that…HIS. We as parents are not meant to live life for them or make all decisions for them…we are meant to show them the right paths (what we believe are) and allow them their own choice and right and freedom to choose it or NOT. HOPE absolutely by all means that he has his head on right and chooses properly based on the things you have taught him and shown him but let him LIVE…good or bad…it is how he will LEARN. Please trust me I KNOW this can be sooooooo hard!!!!! Especially when they are stubborn and HAVE to choose ridiculously annoying paths and frustrate you to the ultimate length of your rope. TRUST that you have taught him to BE a good father and let him show you that he is. Whether that means being with her or not at least accepting responsibility for the choice he made and the consequences coming and stand up and be a man. If we teach them to run away all the time or abort unexpected MIRACLES when are there ever gonna be any MEN who stand up? Support him in his bid to do and BE the right man!!


MORE…

SON: Oh dear boy what WERE you thinking? THIS is exactly why parents all over the world freak out and try so hard to control their children all the time. I can hear you say you LOVE this woman and KNOW something else because I’m older and know more right now so I can’t address that situation. You’ll believe you love her till you don’t. At this point it is NOT the important part. You can’t go backwards now and change what has been done. All you can do is decide what is the right thing to do for YOU and move forward into that decision whatever it is. WHATEVER that decision make sure it is YOURS. YES, your father has a voice and it is absolutely because he loves you and wants the best thing for you but if YOU decide something is best for you and follow the path which leads to it…if it IS right in the end it will work out right and he will SEE that when it is truth. I don’t know that you will end up in “happily ever after” with this woman. I don’t know that you won’t. What I DO know is that a baby is a MIRACLE and losing one is the worst thing that a parent can endure in this world. It doesn’t matter if it is just an unborn baby in the womb or a child you have loved and nurtured and shared life with for 20 years. SO I can only imagine that CHOOSING to abort one on purpose would be worse. God has seen fit to offer you a TREASURE. You’re young YES but that’s irrelevant to me. I had a baby when I was 18. He’s quite often difficult and a big pain in my butt because he has a mind and free will and he chooses to do as HE likes whether I do or not but I will tell you this…HE is BEAUTIFUL. He is so many things that I sometimes lack the words to tell him that I think he doesn’t know at all how precious to me he is. I would NEVER trade him. I don’t agree with abortion but when I was pregnant with him I was advised more than once to abort him because I was young and not “ready” (just for the record…NOBODY is ready!) but I chose to have him…regardless of all the judgements and ridicule that entailed (and it was a LOT) and I do NOT nor ever will regret that decision as long as I live no matter how HARD it has been or unsure I have been that I am doing right by him. Sometimes in life you have to make a decision that NOBODY else agrees with…it CAN still turn out to be beautiful and worth it! I LOVE my son more than anybody could ever know and I will never be sorry for having him because no matter who or what we are and if we fight or not or if we are dysfunctional or not it doesn’t matter because in the end he is MINE and I am his and we’ll figure out how to figure it out! DECIDE for yourself! I’m quite sure you can stand up and be a good man and father and I hope that IS what you decide to do!


Still MORE…

Now for the COUGAR: Society often jokingly calls a woman like you who messes with a young one like him a cougar. Generally it’s used for a woman who just likes to play with or toy with one…what else would you call one who just pounces on an unsuspecting BOY for her own personal gain-whatever that may be. WHY? because you had an AGENDA and you WANTED a pregnancy? because he was HOT and you just couldn’t help yourself? you wanted to KNOW you still “HAVE” it? YOU wanted to be in control? there are many reasons but I MYSELF can not accept LOVE as one of them because you are a grown, mature woman who SHOULD know better. NOW he “loves” you…does that make you feel powerful? You’re going to have his baby. Is he part of the picture or do you think you’re now going to be MOTHER and FATHER to the child no matter what anyone else says? I know there are many single mothers in the world and I KNOW that they can do a good job raising their children but there is also a deeper truth. For a person to be a strong and healthy and WHOLE person they NEED both a FATHER and a MOTHER relationship to emulate and grow up with. Unfortunately, there are many occasions where this is not possible but I can SEE and I BELIEVE that it is a very BIG part of the dysfunction in this world. A single mom has a hard task ahead…so does a single father for that matter. I raised my older two for six years alone and I can tell you they were starving for their father. Or SOME kind of father. My hubby is their step-father and the only one they really have or know. It did help some and made a difference but IF the baby has a father who wants to step up and take part then you should LET HIM. I don’t know that you weren’t just a very lonely woman who took advantage of an opportunity for some contact but here is the problem I have with it…his father TRUSTED you to care for him in his absence…he is a CHILD…you know I know some 14 year old boys who don’t look 14…they are tall, big, have facial hair…even full beards and you’d never know by looking at them that they are JUST BOYS but the package on the outside can quite often be very very far from the emotional, mental and spiritual information on the inside…therefore YOU as the grown, ADULT person in CONTROL has to actually BE in control and make the right and responsible and appropriate decision! Instead you made a SELFISH one and now have set a child on a fast track to manhood. You’ve stolen so many things from him. Do you know? Nevertheless, it is too late now to go back and change it. It is DONE. So at the very least make a GOOD decision NOW and do RIGHT by your child. Have him/her. Teach good and proper things. ALLOW his/her father to know him/her. Whether you end up having a relationship with him or not in the long-term you should do everything in your power to make a MATURE, responsible, civil and positive friendship in order to raise your child with LOVE and the support of TWO parents. I don’t care how hard it is. BE a GROWN up!


and FINALLY:

OK here is the rest: In answer to the question should she actually have the baby…YES. I absolutely believe what I said that NO baby is born whom God did not intend to be here. There are all sorts of difficulties and implications to MANY sad stories of children in this world but the thing is NONE of us know the whole picture. NONE of us really know God’s big master plan and that is where faith comes in. Hubby says to me this morning…I don’t know because what about all the starving children who don’t even survive. How can that be God’s plan? I know this kind of question is a stumbling block for so many of us in the world because we can’t understand why He allows pain and suffering. Perhaps we can’t see why or understand but I am thinking that MAYBE it is allowed as a means to TOUCH people deeply and make them SEE how UNEQUAL this world is and that it is because of selfishness and greed. That we care more about money and cars and THINGS than anything else. MAYBE it is a path to a deeper understanding of heart and mind and soul and that we need to do better things and be better people. That we need to stop worrying about what we have or don’t have what we can get or take and learn to GIVE in order to help other people find their true joy and dignity in life too. HOWEVER, I think first of all that people should be RESPONSIBLE and DON’T have sex with each other if they are NOT interested or ready to be a parent OR they should BE responsible and use protection. We all know that this doesn’t happen a LOT. A baby might just be God’s way of teaching consequences. LONG, HARD, FAR REACHING, PERMANENT, DIFFICULT and also deeply heart wrenching, soul changing and life altering. We each have a journey to undertake. We each have lessons to learn. SOMETIMES we have hard, stupid heads and we must REPEAT them again and again and again. SOMETIMES even this lesson falls on deaf ears and blind eyes and rather than stand up and be responsible then we proceed to not only be stupid with ourselves and our own issues we also drop it down to our children and we fail them and we damage them. EVERY baby is an opportunity for his/her parents to STAND up and share every good lesson they know in responsibility, love, life and JOY. I can’t even fathom a mother who hates and resents her child because he came unexpected and unwanted to cause her life an imposition and hamper her dreams and goals. You know what…WORK around that momma! Get OVER yourself and DO what you have to do. YOU are the one that had unprotected sex and in a MOMENT…FOR a moment of pleasure altered the state of your life FOREVER. It was your CHOICE. EVERY choice has a consequence and if you don’t wanna pay the piper then I guess you should have said NO. Even still…that child that you made is a GIFT, a TREASURE and an opportunity not only for you to share the beauty and joy and love that you have but also to TEACH you more things of value and import than you could ever even imagine. I have to share something that is not pretty and is I’m sure very hurtful and I can only hope if she ever reads it she will hear the WHOLE thing and understand that it isn’t the whole truth. There was a time when I didn’t want my daughter. My son and my daughter are 11 1/2 months apart. It’s a long, stupid story you know. The jerk came home from jail and I suspect you can figure out why but I ended up pregnant again right away. I was three months pregnant already when we got married. I had a 6 month old baby at my wedding. I was not ready so soon again for another baby and I did not want it to be happening to me. I was angry about it and bitter. I felt stupid. I was getting so STUCK! Hellooooo he came home from JAIL? I really want to be attached and have children with a messed up idiot who keeps getting himself in trouble? IRRESPONSIBLE completely. I was TERRIFIED. BUT here is the thing. It was NOT her fault. To be angry and bitter and resent her for my own stupidity was selfish and just heaps more trouble on trouble already here! By the time I was around 5 months pregnant and she had started moving and kicking I realized how horrible I was being. So…I laid in bed one night crying and sorry and I had a conversation with her. I told her I was sorry for being such a horrible selfish mother and that no matter what from this point forward I would love her and do my best for her no matter how hard it was. I’m not perfect. I’m quite sure she would tell you that herself. I’m pretty sure though that she would also say she knows I DO love her. What’s more important to me is that I KNOW. There is drama and imperfection because we aren’t perfect…but she’s the only daughter I have ever had or will ever and I’m NOT sorry or sad about it. She is beautiful and even tho she’s also strong-willed and strong-minded and does things I don’t approve of I both am proud of her and I admire her. My life wouldn’t have been the same without any of my children. It was HARD. There are parts that maybe they will never know or understand or really appreciate…maybe if someday they have children of their own but I know that my friends and family KNOW…these children are my life. I have given up so many things, sacrificed so many things, done without so many things, all because I LOVE them and will do whatever I need to do to care for them and teach them to be decent, responsible, respectable people. SOMETIMES life throws you something that flips it upside down and can seem like the most horrible problem ever but it CAN turn out ok. YOU just have to deal with it! Can the relationship work? I don’t know. I have all sorts of May/Dec romances in my life. They work well enough. They have their problems too…don’t we all? I would say probably it would NOT work forever…maybe for a time…but how can i say? the thing is that we each have to hear our own inner voice and follow it whatever that means regardless of how anyone else feels about it. This is sometimes very difficult but it also can be difficult not to follow your voice. So at the end of all things the choice is always your own. We make judgements as a society about this kind of relationship but at the end of the day it’s too late to go back now…a baby is coming and ideally will do better with BOTH mother and father involved so whether they have a romantic attachment or not they will be attached and bonded FOREVER anyway…so they may as well get over the ridiculous and make the right decisions and choices for the child OR at least the best ones they can agree on. A baby CAN bring out the best in us if we let them!

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