Breaking Question of the Day~04/30/2011

Domestic violence comes in different ways but the common one is the man turning his partner/wife to a punching bag at the slightest provocation…BREAKING QUESTION OF THE DAY…Why live with a man who beats you silly and is not ready to change???

The answer is ABSOLUTELY do NOT!

I am touched deeply by this question because I was married to a man like this before. There are times still when I make excuses for him. He didn’t hit me every day, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been, he didn’t hit the kids, he COULD be sweet and charming and loving, BUT, sweet talking and charming a person into giving you what you want is NOT loving. It is MANIPULATIVE. It is SELFISH. We ALL do it to some extent but, when it becomes your sole purpose for being sweet or charming it is NOT a good thing. It is SELF-SERVING.

I have always been a strong willed, intelligent, independent woman and back when I was a teenager I would talk to my girl friends about what would happen in the future and what kind of guy I would date and if he was abusive I would leave him and other “girl” talk.  It never occurred to me that I would end up stuck in the middle of an abusive relationship.

I was vulnerable and at a weak time in my life and he took advantage. He used my weaknesses against me continually, daily. I was with him 3 1/2 years. Throughout that whole time he used every opportunity to make me believe that I was stupid, useless, fat, ugly, and inadequate (in general and more specifically during sex-of course this is why he needs to go sleep around with EVERYONE else). I STILL have issues with some of these things and that was over 20 years ago!!

I lived in FEAR. Every day you walk on egg shells worried if you do something or say something is it the wrong thing? Is it going to start another fight?

You lose your self. Your TRUE, vibrant, beautiful spirit gets lost somewhere deep inside you and every choice, every decision you make is based on FEAR. IF I do this or that, if I say this or that, if I wear this or that…WHAT WILL HE SAY OR EVEN WORSE, DO???

The verbal and mental abuse hurt me more than the physical. There were actually times when I wished he would just punch me and get it over with because those bruises healed and went away but the deep emotional scars he left in my heart and soul are hard to let go of, hard to forget and hard to heal.

He lied, cheated, pushed me, hit me, hurt me, threatened me, slapped me, verbally abused me…I won’t even say some of the words he used against me except to say that I KNOW I absolutely am NOT any of those things!!! He needed my undivided attention 24/7 and it still wasn’t enough. I could not LOOK at any other man  including his brothers or I wanted to have sex with them. (NOT!!) He made all the decisions. He controlled all the money. He called me hundreds of times a day if I was away from him or at work because he needed to know what I was doing ALL the time. He wouldn’t take NO for an answer. He LIKED me “barefoot and pregnant”, isolated at home with babies and no adult companionship. He destroyed my clothes. HE COULD HAVE KILLED ME.

Why stay?

He was sick. I wanted to help him. He was damaged. I wanted to fix him. We had children together. I believed him when he said nobody else would love me because before that nobody ever had. I thought he was right and there was something wrong with me. I was afraid to leave because I had two children and I didn’t know how to do it alone. I didn’t want to be wrong. I didn’t want to give up. I didn’t want to be a failure in my marriage. I wanted to do right by my children and give them a home and family unit. I didn’t like myself so why would anybody else? Maybe he was the best I could do. I was afraid.

I would rather be ALONE than with this person. He was wrong!

Why leave?

After the first time he punched me-hard enough to burst blood vessels in my eye  (NOBODY believes the bullshit you tell them about that black eye-they KNOW where it comes from…an eye like that can only come from a punch in the face) I wanted to leave then. I was six months pregnant with our son. If he has so little regard for me AND the baby how can this be a good relationship? BUT, he threatened me. He said he had friends in the city. (The very UN-NICE kind.) They would make it look like an accident and I would lose the baby. IF I left him I wasn’t keeping that baby! I was afraid to go. I was 18! What did I know??

He also threatened if I left him later on that he was keeping the kids.  I was free to leave ANY time but they would stay with him! Ummm…I was the CARE GIVER…there is no way on earth I would leave them with him! OR he’d say, I’ll take the boy and you can have the girl…split them up? Over my dead body fella! SO…I endured.

I was getting to the end of my rope. He came in to get something. He’d been out with his “girl friend” and was looking in the closet for something. My son hadn’t seen him for days and was excited to see daddy, of course! DADDY was very SHORT with him, yelled at him and made him cry. In a moment of clarity I understood.  It was only a matter of time before this disrespect and disregard fell to our children. Then he would hit them too. I wondered if it was better to stay in this place feeling dead inside myself or actually take a risk for the sake of my children, GET OUT and risk being dead for real.  It was the beginning of the end for me. It really was a no brainer. I’d risk my own immortality to give my children a life without FEAR!!! Living in FEAR is NO LIFE!

YOU have the right to be YOURSELF. YOU have the right to be happy. YOU have an opinion you have every right to express. YOU have a choice! YOU do NOT have to do everything in this world to please your partner! YES, please be respectful and decent and honest and all those good things but, PLEASE if something is important to you and feels necessary DO NOT give it up! That is NOT right! There is NO reason you should LOSE yourself to love a MAN! PLEASE!! There are enough of them to choose from…really!

YOUR man should have respect from you for the things he does that make him the MAN, the breadwinner (if he is), the head of your home, the protector, the provider, the ROCK who keeps you steady BUT, he should also give you respect in return.  You each have to learn the art of compromise and sacrifice and give and take so both are happy but, there is no room in this life for ABUSE. It hurts EVERYONE around you as well. BUT, it hurts you most. For a LONG, LONG time!!

It took me 20 years to like myself.  I didn’t before he came and after I had even more reasons to hate myself…it’s STUPID and a waste of time!

We are ALL beautiful, vibrant people and we are meant to live and love and learn and grow. We make mistakes. We make bad choices. Don’t make a bad choice worse by staying and enduring a lifetime of torture…for pride or foolishness or any other reason! Not even for LOVE. Maybe you love him…but, if he is hitting you…he has no love…not for himself or for you 😦

Have the courage to LOVE yourself and find a BETTER, healthier, happier life!!

I would also like to say JUST FOR THE RECORD…this also applies in reverse.  It is not talked about as much or dealt with but, there are men in this world who also suffer this same abuse.  The same rules apply to YOU as well!! RESPECT and LOVE yourself first and don’t allow anyone in your life who doesn’t return it to you!! Life is short and time is precious! Don’t waste it on people who just want to suck all of it right out of you and drain you dry.  LIVE!!! PLEASE!!!


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