Breaking Question of the Day~04/04/2011

She was getting along in age and married the first serious guy that asked her.A few years into the unhappy marriage,she falls in love with another man and wants to elope with her kids…BREAKING QUESTION OF THE DAY….Does the woman follow her heart or stay and fulfill the for better or worse part of her marriage???


Let’s talk about the vows that we take.

A traditional set of vows:

“I, (Name),
Take you, (Name),
To be my (wife/husband);
To have and to hold,
From this day forward,
For better, for worse,
For richer, for poorer,
In sickness and in health,
To love and to cherish,
‘Till death do us part.” (or, “As long as we both shall live.”)

These are not just words that we say.  These are VOWS that we take in front of a group of witnesses, our family and friends that mean we promise to commit to making them true willingly, continuously throughout life.

If you don’t think that you can commit to these vows then maybe a different more modern set would be more appropriate. A marriage is not a fairy tale story or the ending to happily ever after.  It is the beginning to a life spent trying to hold to another person through thick and thin, bad and good, the ebbs and flows of life! It isn’t an easy or light decision. It is SERIOUS!

Why do you vow “to have and to hold from this day forward” if you don’t mean and intend for that other person to be the ONE person that you can share all the joys and sorrows of life with from now on?

To promise “for better, for worse” means you will stand beside them no matter what comes your way.  Whatever your life experiences, trials or tests you vow to stay with that person through all of them.

I think it is self evident what “for richer, for poorer” means.  You commit to go on the journey together whether that means you live in squalor and at least have each other , or you live “high on the hog” and have everything your heart could dream of.

“In sickness and in health” means NO MATTER what accident, illness, infirmity, disease or disaster befalls either of you, you have promised to stand beside your mate through all or any of them.

But, most importantly and what gives the ability to stand through all the rest is “to love and to cherish as long as we both shall live.”

IF there is no LOVE these vows will surely begin to chafe…pretty quickly I would think.  Then you have people on both sides breaking them without thought or care for each other.

These are vows: an earnest promise to commit to an act or behave in a certain manner and IF you can hold to them throughout your life that is commendable but, let us remember that we are all human and we all make mistakes.  Some people take these vows without serious comprehension of what they are promising. Some people take these vows knowingly and willingly being false because they are afraid to get old and never marry, they are afraid to be alone, they are afraid to lose a relationship with a person who is more committed than they really are, they are pregnant and want to do right by their child, it is convenient for them at the time, and probably still many other less than perfect reasons. Some people take these vows with full intentions of keeping them and something happened that made breaking them a much better solution.

I think in life there are many things to consider and each of those vows can have a limit to which we can reach and go no further. There ARE times when breaking a vow is BETTER for your own well being than staying and causing more damage not only to yourself but, also to the people around you-family, friends, your children. You must weigh and measure all until you find a decision that works for you and brings your heart peace.

I believe in marriage and I believe in these vows.

I have been married twice.

The first time it was my intention to hold to my vows from start to finish because that is who I am.  I don’t quit.  I hold to ONE man and I KNOW I can do that. The thing is that it takes TWO people to be equally committed and equally in love and equally willing to hold to each other and KEEP these vows.

Unfortunately in this world there are MANY weak and selfish people who do not think of their mate but, only themselves.  In which case they are NOT loving or cherishing you and have in fact, reneged on their own vows.

This is what happened to me.

I believe that for “better, for worse” actually means hanging tough together throughout all the things that life has to throw at you both positive and negative.  I do NOT believe it includes people who actively, knowingly, willingly, deliberately and otherwise CREATE worse by their actions.  If you think you are a person who can handle sticking through all the damage that can cause by all means give it a go but, I was NOT. I am NOT.

Maybe I could have if it was only one issue here and there but, it was MANY on top of many all designed to squash me like a bug and deliberately belittle me, abuse me, weaken me, isolate me etc.

He reneged on his vows to love, honour and cherish me and as a result I divorced his sorry ass! I agonized over that decision.  My vows meant something to me.  For a long time I felt like a quitter.  However, I made the RIGHT decision and when I look back at that mess that was my life I KNOW this.

YOU are the only person who can know and decide whether your marriage is compromised and therefore it is time to leave it or it is fixable and you can and should invest your heart and soul and time into rebuilding it.

Marriage is NOT a fairy tale.  It is HARD work.  The most constant thing in life is that things CHANGE.  If they stay the same and stagnant where is the life in that?  Two people have to be able to love and respect and flow and change with each other, for each other, because of each other.  Otherwise what is the point?

 

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